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The
Loss of the Virtue of Modesty
This article
is an examination of Wendy Shalit's book A Return to
Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue. The book was
written in 1999 and addressed to her “parents, and
anyone who has ever been ashamed of anything.” A Return
to Modesty is an examination of public and personal
attitudes toward the problems faced by young women at
the end of the twentieth century, and the beginning of
the twenty-first.
Shalit's
starting point is the change from a healthy modesty
toward sexual experience to a sheer embarrassment at the
lack of experience. Her book is not a call to a prudish,
Victorian sexuality, but a reminder of the value
inherent in female modesty and the rewards for those who
wait until marriage to become sexually active. Arguing
against a culture that systematically attempts to rid us
of our romantic hopes and natural embarrassments, Shalit
offers young women an open invitation to cultivate one
of the most feminine of all virtues, and to do so
without shame or regret.
A Return to
Modesty is divided into three parts: the first concerns
our present view of sexual modesty and the problems with
this view. The second section surveys the intellectual
battles that led to our present situation. The third is
a look at women who are saying “no” to contemporary
values and returning to an earlier conception of
modesty.
The War on
Embarrassment, the title of the first chapter, looks at
the early and middle '80s when sex education in grade
schools was beginning to become more commonplace in the
United States. Young girls ten and eleven years of age
sat in mixed company as instructors discussed the
particulars of intercourse, venereal disease, and birth
control. The result, argues Shalit, is that subjects
that had been discussed privately among the separate
genders are brought into the open in such a way that all
modesty is systematically removed. Preteen girls are
taught to be ashamed if they are embarrassed, and
embarrassed if they are ashamed. The ensuing confusion
leads to a schizophrenic approach to sexuality, which
will follow the young girl through puberty and into
young womanhood.
The impact of
this early exposure to sexuality is discussed in the
second chapter, Postmodern Sexual Etiquette. Here the
modern dating scene is shown to be a direct revolt
against the supposedly debilitating sexual disease of
Puritanism and the Judeo-Christian ethic. {1} The
traditional maturation cycle of courtship, love, and
marriage has been replaced by a sequence of hook-ups,
dumpings, and post-dumping checkups. The result, which
we will discuss, has been that women are generally
disrespected, trivialized, and abused in ways that
should concern us all.
The
Normalization of Pornography
As we continue
our examination of modesty, I would like to cover the
statistical fallout from our behavior during the last
half of the century. Stalking, rape, and harassment of
women in the work place and at home all increased
dramatically during the latter part of the twentieth
century. But nothing is as alarming an indicator, says
Shalit, as the “normalization of pornography.” {2} The
contemporary debate is little more than a “ping-pong”
game over censorship with feminists and conservatives
crying “yes,” and the civil libertarians volleying back
“no.” What is missing is the realization of how our
views of pornography have shifted and a recognition of
the impact that this has on the lives of ordinary men
and women. {3} One indicator of our growing acceptance
of recreational pornography is the increase in strip
clubs in the past decade, up over 100 percent from 1992.
Strippers have become a kind of cultural wallpaper, and
are present to such an extent that they are no longer
shocking. {4} Women who object to their husbands and
boyfriends looking at porn are accused of being prudish
and full of hang-ups. The result has been a plethora of
diseases and disorders as women attempt to look like the
airbrushed super models seen in magazines and
film.
A young woman
named Jennifer Silver was concerned that her boyfriend
was reading Playboy magazine, but she and her friends
were reluctant to say anything which would make them
seem prudish or un-cool. In a porn-friendly culture Miss
Silver's opinion was only valued if it was sympathetic
to the norm. She said in an article to Mademoiselle
magazine:
The real
reason I hated Playboy was that the models established a
standard I could never attain without the help of
implants, a personal trainer, soft lighting, a squad of
makeup artists and hairdressers, and airbrushing. It's a
standard that equates sexuality with youth and beauty. I
didn't want my boyfriend buying into Playboy's
definition of sexuality. {5} Her boyfriend discontinued
his reading in light of Miss Silver's observations, but
many men, even Christian men, do not see the harm in
this kind of indulgent and sinful behavior. It is not
enough to say we want to return to a more modest
culture; we must actively strive to create such a
culture. If women are ever going to be able to be
modest, men will have to value that modesty, and one way
to do so is by allowing women to be who they are and not
place impossible demands on them.
The
Intellectual Landscape
In part two of
her book, Shalit takes aim at the intellectual battles
that have led to the present crises in virtue. Under the
guise of “being comfortable with our bodies,” our
universities, advertising companies, and even fellow
Christians have urged women in the last half-century to
“let it all hang out.” Indicative of this attitude is a
quote from Bazaar, a leading women's magazine, in
response to a cover that offended some readers, “The
barely revealed breast on our August cover wasn't meant
to offend. It was meant to celebrate the beauty of the
female form. Bazaar believes that women should feel
comfortable with their bodies.” The response to this
reader's letter was in effect saying that, if one should
choose to be modest, then it is a reflection of not
being “comfortable with one's body.” The result is that
we've become so comfortable with the body that people
feel free to dress immodestly from the beach to the
grocery store.
Shalit
continues her examination of the intellectual landscape
of modesty with a glimmer of hope based on nation-wide
surveys in some of the most prominent women's magazines.
Her findings are that 49 percent of women wish they had
slept with fewer men, and the happiest women were those
who had the fewest partners. {6} In addition to these
observations, one could add that the same women's
magazines that frequently advocate a more progressive
and immodest lifestyle are also full of the confessions
of women who have low self-esteem and feel that they are
ugly and do not measure up to an increasingly critical
society.
Following the
statistical surveys, Shalit examines the idea of “male
obligation.” In an unusual turn she says that it is
difficult to expect men to be honorable. Many women send
messages that men are no longer expected to behave like
gentlemen. {7} The short skirts, plunging necklines, and
pouty lips so popular today are an invitation for men to
stare at and perceive women as objects. The honor women
want from men, argues Shalit, begins with the signals
that women send. Those interested in a clear guide to a
return to modesty, in their own lives or that of their
friends and daughters, will find such a guide in
Shalit's book A Return to Modesty.
Modest
Dress
In an effort
to find a way back to a more modest approach to
sexuality, Shalit turns to some themes common in most
religions. First she makes the observation that there is
almost unanimous agreement among religions that modesty
is inextricably linked to holiness. {8} In the first of
several examples, Shalit quotes Christ's admonition:
“Blessed is he that watcheth, and keepeth his garments,
lest he walk naked and then see his shame.” {9} After
this, she recalls the occasion when Moses covers his
face, and is afraid to look upon God. Finally, she
considers the account of Isaiah when he sees the fiery
angels surrounding the throne of God, and four of the
six angels' wings are not functional because they are
used to cover their feet. The rationale, says Shalit, is
that in the presence of the Holy One, they should cover
themselves.
In the section
titled The Return to Modest Dress, Shalit documents the
changing trends in women's dress. She discusses how
women who have rebelled against the immodest dress
characterized by spandex, push-up bras, and bikinis have
found a new self-respect they never knew was available.
In addition to this, these same women have found that
they are attracting the kind of men they really desire
as opposed to men who approach them for their outward
beauty alone.
There is a
difficulty for young women who choose to be a part of
the counter-culture of modesty Shalit is advocating. We
live in a time when the loss of one's virginity is
considered a right of passage into maturity. Young women
who choose to hold on to their virginity are often
ostracized by other girls who wish to have partners in
their loss. The result is that one must frequently
choose between the loss of innocence, or the loss of
fellowship with one's peers. This is a tragic choice to
ask of a young, teenage girl who desperately wants to be
accepted. The problem is not confined to young women
alone, but is played out among more adult women with the
same dire consequences. Men no longer have to marry a
women to get them to sleep with them and the result has
been a growing hostility toward the institutions of
marriage. {10} The power to say “no” that women once
collectively possessed, has been surrendered to the
point that it is very difficult to reclaim. Shalit's
book shows the way out of a dark forest of our own
making.
“Loss of
innocence is nothing new,” writes Shalit, “but it is our
assumption that there is now nothing to lose.” {11} We
frequently act as though previous generations have
decided that young women need not value their innocence,
and we are powerless to resist the pressures of society.
However, we are told exactly the opposite throughout the
Scriptures. We are told that we can, and must, resist
the world. We are told that the individual can choose to
behave differently than societal norms. And, we are
reminded that the failure to resist the temptations and
standards set by secular society is sin.
How To Get
There
The first
thing we must do in order to return to a more modest
society is to believe that it is possible, and to voice
our desires for such a return actively. The second thing
we must do is realize that cultures differ about what
exactly is modest. Shalit cites examples of eighteenth
century France where women would not bare their
shoulders, Chinese women shy about their feet being
exposed, and native women of Madagascar who would
“rather die of shame than expose their arms.” {12}
Shalit proposes that we listen to the universal instinct
within us which has been systematically suppressed. We
know that we are naturally shy and sensitive to some
things and should sometimes, but not always, cultivate
our reservations rather than trying to overcome them.
Quoting Francis Benton, Shalit writes:
Specific rules
about modesty change with the styles. Our Victorian
ancestors, for instance, would judge us utterly depraved
for wearing the modern bathing suit. Real modesty,
however, is a constant and desirable quality. It is
based not on fashion, but on appropriateness. A woman
boarding a subway in shorts at the rush hour is immodest
not because the shorts themselves are indecent, but
because they are worn in the wrong place at the wrong
time. A well-mannered and self-respecting woman avoids
clothes or behavior that are inappropriate or
conspicuous. {13}
In order for
society, and especially Christians within a secular and
hostile society, to return to modesty, we must be
willing to look a little awkward in our actions and
appearances. God has called us to be a strange and
peculiar people for His purposes. One of the easiest and
most influential ways to do this is through our outward
appearances and actions. We should return to modesty
before it really is too late.
Notes
1. Wendy Shalit,
A Return To Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue
(New York: The Free Press, 1999), 26.
2. Ibid.,
49-54 3. Ibid.,
49 4. Ibid
5. Ibid.,
52
6. Ibid.,
90
7. Ibid.,
104-105
8. Ibid.,
218
9. Rev.
16:15
10.
Shalit, 227
11.
Ibid., 241
12.
Ibid., 232
13.
Ibid., 232
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